


Apoptosis

by alphacest



Category: Naruto
Genre: Dissociation, Gen, Hatake Kakashi Has Issues, Hatake Kakashi-centric, Intrusive Thoughts, M/M, Nightmares, Violent Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-29
Updated: 2020-06-29
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:28:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24973099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alphacest/pseuds/alphacest
Summary: Kakashi collapses in on himself, and Minato can only watch.
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi & Namikaze Minato, Hatake Kakashi/Namikaze Minato
Comments: 5
Kudos: 98





	Apoptosis

It’s the middle of the night when his mind rears its ugly head once again, a flood of watercolor scenery where the moonlight caresses quickly paling skin.

When the third nightmare shrieks in his ears he decides he wouldn’t try to sleep again that night.

Kakashi doesn’t think as he moves and his vision tunnels, leaping from the window of his apartment while knocking down various pieces of furniture on his way out, and then through the trees, fresh air and the bite of the cold offering something close to respite.

It’s not what he’s looking for, and eventually, he’s at his sensei’s window. Kakashi can’t breathe.

He’s never gone to his sensei’s before, but the hefty chakra wards seem to bend willingly to Kakashi’s own chakra - he can ask later, no, he doesn’t _care_ , he just wants-

Kakashi squirms into his sensei’s bed just as the man wakes, mumbling in confusion at the trembling bundle suddenly beside him.

“Kakashi…?”

There isn’t a verbal response - Kakashi shakes his head and curls up next to Minato-sensei, wrapping his limbs around the man like a lifeline. 

His sensei is so incredibly warm, and Kakashi wants nothing more than to bury himself in that warmth. He pictures himself climbing into Minato-sensei’s ribcage, to be as close as possible to the steady thrum of his heart.

Sensei is so _alive_ , and Kakashi desperately grasps the man’s shirt, his skin, and keens, trembling, head tucked under the man’s chin.

“Kakashi, did you have a nightmare?”

His sensei’s voice is gentle, warm, caring, but Kakashi can’t help but shake his head no vigorously despite the truth in it, not offering verbal response. His breathing is shallow, and that irrational desperation claws at his chest and squeezes at his lungs and Kakashi feels like he’s going to explode, mountains of pressure and fear and _want-_

Minato seems to take the hint that Kakashi won’t be very talkative at the moment, instead returning the hold - he winces when Kakashi’s fingers dig into his back, scrabbling for something. He wants to plunge his hand in and feel the pulse for himself, but if he does that, it’ll slow, it’ll die, Sensei will die-

Kakashi chokes on a sob as his sensei rubs calm, soothing circles into his back through the thin fabric of his top. 

“Sensei,” he murmurs shakily. “Please don’t leave. Please, please.” He’s incoherent, babbling. Obito’s eye sits in his socket like a heavy stone and Rin’s blood coats the surface of his skin and Kakashi wants to vomit.

Sensei holds him just a little tighter, and he can’t tell if it’s comforting or suffocating. Maybe it’s both. Sensei could strangle him and the only struggle would be bodily instinct. “I’m not leaving, Kakashi.”

He’s horrified to find he doesn’t trust his sensei in that, doesn’t believe in him, and he sobs harder, a horrible concoction of relief and horror washing over him like a cold bucket of water.

Kakashi wails and sobs and it’s mortifying in comparison to his usual demeanor - he can tell Sensei is shocked, but the man shoves it aside in lieu of attempts to comfort the boy in his bed who’d crawled in in the middle of the night.

“You can’t leave, you _can’t_ ,” and Kakashi tries to get closer and nearly turns to tearing his own hair out when he physically can’t. He needs to be with Sensei and nothing is close enough. Kakashi brings his face to his sensei’s neck and rips his mask down before chomping down hard, nibbling and suckling and biting at any skin he can find and get his mouth on.

Minato winces and inhales sharply, clearly at a loss for what to do. The way they’re positioned, Kakashi’s waist is against the man’s pelvis, and he finds himself wanting to tear into his Sensei and be so, so close to him, his thoughts are jumbled together in a horrible, sickening mess. He wants to rip his own brain out so things can be quiet.

He wants things to be quiet, he wants to rip Sensei’s flesh from his bones with his teeth, he wants to grind down and reach past his sensei’s waistband-

“Kakashi, you’re hurting me,” Sensei whispers, voice strained, and Kakashi lets go like he’s been burned by fire despite the one doing the hurting, unlatches his teeth from his sensei’s throat.

He curls in on himself, folding up the building pressure and the bad that threatens to burst out from his chest. Sensei tries to scoot closer to hold him but no, no, _no no no_ . Kakashi fights the urge to shove Minato off with all of the force in his wiry body but _he’s_ in _Sensei’s_ house and he _barged in in the middle of the night he woke him up_.

Kakashi brings all of the bad back into himself, gritting his teeth and tearing at the gray hair on his scalp and trying ferverently to yank every single strand out-

“Kakashi, stop!”

He so, so desperately doesn’t want to be alone, but even when he has his sensei’s arms wrapped around him there’s a black hole in his chest.

It’s ever devouring and will continue until the end of time, because Kakashi is a collapsed star. 

He would call this his event horizon, but he’s always surprised himself in just how much worse he could truly get.

It’s the kind of cold that even Minato-sensei, epitome of sunshine, cannot warm, and his sobs ease up, they quiet, but the realization settles within him and it’s cold and sharp and muddled out all at once.

Sensei is speaking soft words, trying to call for his attention, but all Kakashi can think of is how he wishes Sensei could bury him so he doesn’t have to live beyond so many of his loved ones, especially not Minato-sensei himself.

What is he supposed to do with this? What does he do with a feeling he can’t name?

Sensei strokes his hair, bringing Kakashi back to curl up against his chest, tucking the boy’s head back underneath his chin.

Kakashi is so, so afraid, for the day the sun is gone and his heart hid behind his teeth because he was too afraid to seek it out.

He is afraid because his father told him once, the words of a storybook from faraway lands, that you run the risk of weeping a little if you let yourself be tamed.

Alone in his head, he becomes something awful.

What Kakashi wants to say is, “please strangle me. Please wrap your hands around my neck and keep squeezing and don’t stop until I stop moving.”

What Kakashi actually says is, “I don’t want to be alone.”

Sensei keeps talking, and the cadence of his voice is comforting even if it’s in the smallest way. Kakashi knows that to kill is to breathe, and he wonders which one of them will kill the other first.

**Author's Note:**

> if you ask me what any of this is i could not tell you~
> 
> not beta-read and written all in one go on my phone while in bed having some kind of crisis while hanging out with my brain


End file.
